10/02/2005

New Spiritual Gift

I had a "doodle Sunday". (You know, when you can't concentrate on the service or the words to the songs, so you doodle to keep from tearful breakdown?) Yes, it's holy doodling...probably a spiritual gift.

Today, I created art. Colored blue sparkle gel pen robes on the disciples, children's bulletin. As I see it, the bulletins are a sound part of the church budget. I added several layers of shading, some additional wrinkles to add dimension in the garments. I thought it made them look more realistic upon completion.

I said, "God, I'm sorry. I'm just not with it today, not into this. Not into the group thing. Go sit me under a big oak somewhere and just let me be alone where things make sense and people aren't watching and I don't have to undersatnd anything. I just can't hear anything. I got dressed. Got my family here. My husband is obviously needing worship. I'm praying for him. But me? What about me, today. I hear the cry for service, for the lost. I hear. But, today...what about these problems? This pile of stuff? I just can't see past it today. I hurt too much. It's been a hard week. I just can't concentrate on another goal. Not now. Not today. I smiled, greeted guests, waved, worshipped for about 15 minutes...all I had.

I know you've already given more than I ever deserve. I hear about the cross.

Yet, still...my big pile.

I looked over, just to the left of the pile...saw my memory of the tiny little cross, like the one I wear....just there. Yes, always there. Faithful.

Yet, I said, "You know what? That cross is too small in comparison to my pile today...in my mind's eye, it just is."

So, we let it grow...up ("I am sacrifice for you."..."Yes. Bigger, please."), up some more ("I will rescue you."..."Bigger! Please."), up ("Overcomer!" "Yes. I like that, that does it.").

So, I said, "You are big...bigger...overcomer. But, I just feel so sandwiched and squished between the two. Squishing the life out of me."

I saw two fingers come down, pick my ragged, whiney, self up, and put me right up high into that cross, with Jesus, Overcoming One.

He said, "Better? How's the view now?"

"A lot different...better. the pile is rubble. You are in control, and I am here with you. But, I still hurt".

"Yes. Dying daily...you think that will feel good? I can't take the feelings away. You wouldn't want that. Just stay here."

So..we just sat and doodled for the rest of the service. I even drew my cross.

He seemed pretty content to just doodle with me today.

In fact, I had so much fun, I came home, sat in my prayer chair, and doodled some more...flowers.

It was even more fun.

I doodled again this afternoon...my name in funny letters, wacky. After I doodled, I felt like writing a song that came to mind. Next, a prayer.

I highly encourage the spiritual discipline of doodling.

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Bicycled 12.5 miles in 40 minutes today...14.6 MPH average. Cut ten minutes off our ride in about 6 weekends! Stress does improve your athletic performance, doesn't it? My knee will thank me later this week. I can't wait. :-(

Me.

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