Listening to: Chris Rice's When Did You Fall in Love
Just got off the treadmill, listening to my newly burned iTunes CD. Love it. Love the time to turn it loud, tune out, worship, and get myself alive. My blood warm for the first time today...such a cold winter day with winter wind and light rain and all grey and cold. Up WAY too late last night for no particular reason...sleepy all day, feeling yucky ucky as a result.
Three hour praise band practice today jam packed. I hope I remember half of what we're doing when. Communion services such a blessing to play for, but always so challenging to make sure it's "right".
I hope it will be.
In any case, it's more my spirit I want in good shape right now. Time for Valentin-ish anticipations I suppose!
Listening to Rice's song...a love song. Just makes me somehow long for the Lord in a fresh way...not just an "in love" faddish, fleeting, giddy love...but the kind of love that makes you just smile...all the time. You can't help it. He just loves you so much, and you know it, and that's all that really matters on the worst of days. And you love Him...not out of commitment or obedience or worry about doing the right things or living the way he wants or being the best wife or parent or disciple. You just love him. Oh, I know...don't live on feelings...but sometimes we give them too little credit. He made those, too. "Will" love...yes! Choose love...yes! Make a solid decision based on truth...yes! But, FEEL!
"Do you love me?"
"But, do you really love me?"
"Do you LOVE love me?"
That kind.
I don't think he said, "Then feed my sheep" because he was tricking Peter. I think it was like a woman dying who said, "Do you love me as much as I think you do? I mean, really?"
"Yes, I do."
"Then, will you please take care of my kids when I am gone? You know they are my one thing."
"Oh, yes. I know it. I'd be delighted to do all I can, and you know it."
That kind of thing.
But, back to the love...I thought of the reality of opening up my email to find a sweet note from my husband, and remembering in the mundane of the day that our love is real and active. What if I got an email from Jesus? Wow. From: Jesus 1 zillion MBs. Attachment. Messages with attachments can cause harm to your computer. Are you sure you trust the sender? Corny. Made me laugh.
Jesus, you bless me! Just like that. You are pouring life and blessing and anointing into me today. You are empowering me to live and move and love and serve. You are making and molding and shaping me. You believe in me. You want to be with me as much as I want to be with you.
You would walk into the room right now if it would be best. But, it's not.
It's best that you are here...in my heart, a direct line. Direct view to my heart of hearts, seeing the real me, letting me know the real you.
Crying when I cry, and laughing when I laugh. (And hoping I laugh more than I cry.)
Giving me all I need. Preparing for me all I need.
Letting me know, "it's not about me"...while showing me that mysterious paradox that it's also "all about me."
You've tattooed my name on yourself!
It's true!
Isaiah says, "See, I have engraved you on the palm of my hand. You are mine."
What a man!
Oh...I love my earthly man more than words can tell. And mysteriously, he keeps getting better. How, I cannot fathom. But, he does. But, with you...there is no comparison. The love of my life! My candlelight romance from girlhood until now. My first date and my last. My love.
I may fail many times (rather...I will), but you know my heart above all others. You understand me and know my desire to please you. You know how I hurt when I don't bless you. When I get twisted and turned and confused trying to do right and ending up doing all wrong...you teach and heal and comfort and keep me centered: comfort me. Love me. Spread your wings wide over me...soft feathers that enfold and hide me until I'm ready to come out again...to try to smile again.
Oh! Today I thought a marvelous thought! You do not just take me and let me hide there and give me a hidden job to do to make me feel productive since I'm all scarred and broken...taking pity on me. No...you are....like the Great Samaritan: When everyone else may have passed me by, you stopped. Came over. Looked at me. Picked me up. Carried me. Paid for my care. Took me in. Saw that I was healed. Nursed me to health. And then...you came back to check on me.
On my own, I don't belong with the likes of you...but, you are just that way. Caring. Man above all men. Mighty hero coming to save. Count on it. A hundred times. Never failing. Always running.
You cure even my ugly leprosy. You come to me. Touch me. Draw me out. Look me in the eye, and speak life to me. Like no other would or could.
A new life, healed. Restored. Renewed. Humbled. Indebted. Whole. Praising and thanking you all of my days. Sending me out. Fresh. Never to look back.
Glory of all glories! Instead of away from you...with you I go. None other than a warrior! No...never again a cripple. Not even "wounded", and NEVER taken out of service. Oh, I can stay there and lick my wounds forever if I choose to...want to, away from you, refusing you, your sweet words and fellowship.
I get up. Go out. New assignment. New risk! New venture. Trusting you. We go on. Together.
Bolder. Stronger. Enabled. Anointed with your healing and commissioning balm. No confidence in myself, in the flesh. I learn to walk. To fight.
The perfect romance.
So...When did I fall in love with you? Was it in the coffeeshop? Chris Rice asks.
No. Though I like to imagine it that way, too. For me?
Best I can remember, Lord Jesus...mostly in a pink girl's flowered bedroom with lime green carpet, white wicker bed and chair, and rickety plastic vanity that made me a princess. Candle light, door locked, and love poured out, tears flowing...you knowing me, and me knowing you. And in the tops of trees, singing. And walking a gravel road. On and on... I AM so in love with you still! Soon I'll tell you how and when. As I did my husband for Christmas this year in a journal.
In the meantime, give me today the glow of one in love with the Prince of all princes, Hero of all heroes, King of all Kings, and Ruler of all Kingdoms.
The smile of one captured, possessed, and embraced in the quiet.
The delight of a bright-eyed bride with a continual feast set before her.
My love...my one sure and true and constant reality! Forever.
How could I not be in love with You?
3 comments:
Whew, that was almost too deep for me. Should have done that one for Valentine's Day :) I don't know how you do it--how you remain so "in the spirit", so to speak, when it's all I can do just to utter a prayer or pick up my Bible sometimes, so hard for me to be in constant fellowship with Him. I've always been a bit of a loner, I guess, even spiritually, but I do feel better when the Father and I "visit". Good job on expressing your thoughts.
I'm in the mood for love!
Wow. What a high compliment to have that said of my...my life's desire...to have that seen in me.
I guess over time meeting that goal has come at the expense of a lot of things--I see when He put people in my life to teach me...I wanted what they had. They taught me (dreaded word) disciplines I needed. I still am not there so much of the time...distracted, not focused, not disciplined. Now is one of those times to hanker down again. I'm getting lazy.
Press on.
Isolation is a good thing...meaningful thoughts cannot come without it.
I fear most those afraid of their own quiet. Most people are, you know. Why TV and radio is on, even to sleep well...they seem afraid of their own thoughts, own fears, own needs. I can take mine to Him and see Him meet the need, vanquish the fear, take me to the safe, quiet, peaceful place. I never want to live in a "loud" inner life again.
Anyway, rest assured that He is with you even in your quiet...intentional quiet particularly.
Some people can commune well without words.
My blog is my outlet for "words" some days...with people I know well, often comfortable quiet is the sincerest flattery I can give. The sign of a deep, comfortable, safe, and abiding friendship. I don't have to explain myself. Or I can if I wish.
(Remember the weeks I whine and gripe and complain and struggle? Just scroll down. I'm on a "high" this week...we'll trade places next week perhaps!)
Love you and all you are, sister!
Me
Girlfiend, I maintain that God has blessed you with such a gift for writing. You greatly share The Gift by using your gift. This one brought me to such a lovely place -- and inspires me to dwell there. I get so sidetracked so often and this reminds me what life is really all about. Loving Jesus. Loving others. Loving Jesus. Thanks for sharing. Beautiful words from a beautiful soul.
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