SURVIVAL Instincts

Saturday 8AM

I wake up so many days in January with my first thoughts negative and depressed sounding. Motherhood in the dead of winter gets to be an exercise of forced productivity and survival. I really enjoy the time to BE productive and catch up on some chores. But, the days of long, I'm "with" the kids a lot more, they argue and fuss more due to too much bottled energy, and I get to yelling more to get them to respect the sound of my voice, which they start to block out due to overexposure.

I don't ever like myself much in January. My husband works many long hours and is preoccupied doing work even as we drive places to catch up. A necessity. But, it is hard. I've usually not talked to anyone all day as is with exception of a few emails or a short call from one of our mothers.

I've found the only way to survive the long days is to keep making goals. Keep trying to do something extraordinary (for me). To stay caught up on things, keep our family running, read some inspiring books to help me with goals I don't like, but need to do (usually fast reading...you know, the kind you do while you do "business"...not major research).

And still, when my husband got up early to go to a men's breakfast this morning, I literally grieved. I wanted my morning time with my man. I'll be up and gone by 7AM Sunday morning. It's not fair. Today is MY day, finally. But...not to be. And, I pray for him to be filled with fellowship there. And I pray for me to be in a non-sulking mood when he returns.

Ever find days when you just get consumed with resentment over your husband's schedule?

I am blessed. I know it's necessary. AND I saw yesterday my own busy-ness when he is home and may miss me, too. I guess, in the winter, I just have a need to polarize and cuddle and have that down time together and it never seems to materialize long enough. I build a wall around myself to keep from hurting when he's gone again for the long days. And, then it takes longer to break down when he comes back again.

Survival instincts. And I hate them. I want to be open and joyful and not so protective of self--aware of self--focused on self.

I will keep learning instead how to truly LIVE! To be joyful, not resentful. To be open, not closed. To be wise, but not overly careful and cautious and fearful.

This morning, I will get laundry ready early, fix breakfast cheerfully, get some kind of fun exercise, vacuum (yes, I'm good), and get my kids ready for basketball games ahead of time. I will make it a fun day, I will have a great time, and I will not be mowed over, rushed, or frustrated by the normalcies of family life with three constantly needy, bickering children. They will be influenced by me, by the grace of God, not me by them as much as this week (too many snow days and long weekends at home together?)