To...

To my husband...one who listenes and serves and helps and asks.

To my husband...love of my life. The one I want to be with and can't live without.

To my husband...my friend. Co-minister.

To my husband...my favorite playmate, traveling companion, confidante, friend.

And...to finding balance..
to talks...recovery...plans...
kicking things up a notch--together
...to hard decisions, made with love...
to sacrifices...
to dreaming dreams--together.

I love you! I Love you! I love YOU!

This week, I will show you how much! I am thankful....FOR YOU!

me

"Margins"

Today. Sunday. Mood swings. Prayerful. Overthinking. But, letting the week drain away. Concerns drip off until I am dry and ready to be filled with nothing but Him. Doubts addressed until I know my place. Fears confronted until faith takes charge...takes over, reigns.

Letting it all go.

Soaking...in sweatpants and a big baggy t-shirt and an oversided sweatshirt and cold feet...just because I like it that way in the Fall...soaking in a God bigger than me...a God, the one and only God, God who can answer prayers -- when it seems like the imposing or impending reality is oppositional to the goal I prayed for. He is still God. He still hears. He is still answering. And I have no need for tears that fall irregardless of this fact bigger than my reality. I know this!!!!

If anyone knows this, I know this! He has proven himself to me (though I didn't deserve to know.) He tells me who He is...in His time, because He just loves the dickens out of me!!!!!!!! He's so..............God. Yes. Who He says He is from time past until eternity. God. Mine. Maker of me. Sustainer of all things. Fixer. Fashion-er. Creator...creating. Making. Working...in my life.

Today, worship...the words of worship...so ministering to me. "Indescribable". Letting my faith grow...in spite of self-doubt, emotion. Fears. Worries. Need to know...control. No...just to trust, and serve, and be.

Question: (for those of you who have experience and wisdom, those of you whose husbands lead, and lead well, those of you who know about these things)

...how do you and your husband's ever find "margins"...

you know, the white space on the sides of the paper, top and bottom...

"margins" that allow things to be read more clearly,

give the eye room to rest,

give a feeling of order and "padding"

...how do you ever find those"margins" that really coincide with those your spouse?

I mean...this is truly becoming a mystery to me...

Lord, show me to order my life so that my margins fall where my spouse's fall.

Enough tag team!

show me how.

no emergency...

just wanting to do it better.

me

Winding Down

11:15 pm. Chair cushions in the wash (forgot to put them in the first time the wash went through.) Scrapbook...24 pages done. Not as much as I'd hoped, but still, quite a marathon. I'll fill in the holes later. Ladybug cake made...a group effort, quite fun. Balloons delivered. My goldilocks reading over my shoulder. Yup, at 11:15.

When I was little, my Mom used to wake me after my brothers were asleep on rare occassion to share a treat with her...homemake french fries...a bowl of ice cream with her homemade fudge. So, she's heard the story so many times, guess what her idea of excitement is? So, she got Red to sleep and then slipped down for prepackaged chocolate chip cookies and fresh finger nail paint for her party I promised her. Time for her. Enough projects, "stuff", and worries. Who cares that the vaccumming and I never got to that laundry room? As my mom used to say on such occassions..."that's why they make doors". If I could only get my family to USE them.

Tomorrow is another day.

A dear friend emailed me today saying a friend came and spot cleaned her house for her son's birthday party tomorrow. Another kidney stone attack has had her down. My, how petty I feel in perspective of other people's lives! Order and planning is not my forte. I have to increase the creativity to keep me going enough to get more mundane done! So funny. I'm 32 and just realizing some things about myself.

We think we found a pony for rides...I am excited. She'll be so thrilled. I hope it works out. When does a mother wrap gifts, prey tell?

~Me

"Chicken Little"--Good One!

I am staying up later than I should tonight because I want to blog...to pray, I guess, in a form. To celebrate. Today has been a whole new day, as a friend told me it would be. "Tomorrow is another day." At the time, I said, "My thought right now is, unfortunatly, yes, it will be!" with a laugh. I'm not unthankful. I'm not sick. Life is good, in general, and God is good. But, guys reading...there are just days when female hormones are a pain in the rear end. I'm sure you are aware of this, in a round about way.

So, hormones are good...until next week, and I'll be whacked out for another three days, unable to see the sunshine. But, hopefully, more spiritually attentive. Hopefully, more apt to deal with anything that I'm doing to slow myself down any more than I already am. And hopefully, those low days help me remember all the things I can do to rise above...to be better. To be ready. To slow down. Do I like those days? Not my favorite side of myself, but without them? I would be less strong.

Today...we went to see Chicken Little. If you have young kids...go see it. It's got a point, a plot, it's funny, there's no new age weirdo Disney reincarnation or spiritually weird elements to it...some freaky and somewhat scarey aliens...but they, like every Scooby Doo episode, reveal their "true identity" later. I laughed my head off. My kids told me I was the loudest laugher in the theatre...it's true! I did get really tickled. It was creatively sharp and funny without being risque or having a lot of adult humor that is often inappropriate for kids movies. A great release to my week. The kids stayed after everybody left and wiggled to the music, doing laps around the theatre chasing each other, making shadows on the screen. I love my family. I love my husband for taking us...evening movie for 5 isn't cheap. I love my kids...so exciteable and loud and free!

Go see, Chicken Little!

ME

sEveN

sEveN...and written, so far, just like that. Up one minute, down the next. Much like me! I must be a seven year old at heart.

I went in to wake my daughter from blissful slumber, all knotted in with Red on the top bunk like they ruled the world (and they often do). I said, "Darlin', good mornin! Time to get up. Did you know something? Today is the last day I will every have a six year old little girl?"

She flopped over, more quickly than usual, opened her eyes and looked me square in the face as she flopped her long arm over and konked me in the head, saying, "Mom, good luck."

And closed her eyes.

Not sure what she meant by that. Not really wanting to know. But, it stuck. Wishing me luck on the whole process...the whole thing...the path, the journey. "Good luck, Mom."

I liked it. Made my day. She substantiated my day.

Then, she woke again with a start, like she never had truly woken before and said excitedly, "Is today my birthday?"

Okay, so it still IS all about her. We all knew that. But it was a good groggy moment, and it counts!

Red and I went to the school to eat pizza day with her. I'm still on a scrapbooking obsession up all hours of the night trying to catch her book up some this year for her party...the only way I'd ever catch up I'd say. Knowing grandparents just LOVE it at the party. I'm trying to do something new...and I had an epiphany with this last night.

I've been doing the same things, the same ways for about the two years I've been doing this thing...miss efficient, sticking as many photos on the page as I can, trying to fit in some sense of order, embellishment later, maybe. A title...if it really had to have one. But, when I look at other people's books and magazines, that's not the layouts I like. So, why was I doing that. 1. to save money. 2. to use all those 4X6s I was getting developed...faithful to use them ALL.

But, after I went digital, I still did that for a year, developing everything. Man, you talk about money! Whew. I started asking myself, "Why am I doing this? It's not even what I want, or what I like? I'm in such a rut."

So, I developed no new pics until I got all the others used, and in the meantime...I BEGAN TO DREAM. What might life be like if I did thing TOTALLY DIFFERENT. I have so enjoyed looking at the magazines to dream...still...I noticed my layouts were looking the same, even when they didn't have to!

Well, epiphany...keep doing the same things you've always done (even dreaming, even reading, even WANTING to do things differently)...and you'll get the same results you always got.

This time, I got out the book, labeled the book, ordered my thoughts about what I liked and why and when I could use it, and made a commitment to not start a page until I referenced the book.

I look at my Christian journey, seeing the same problem...too much reading, wanting, dreaming, wishing...not enough change. Well, I hear the kids home. Gotta run!

~Me!

A Funeral...My Fix

"Live. And Live Well. BREATHE.

Breathe in and Breathe deeply. Be PRESENT.

Do not be past. Do not be future. Be now.

On a crystal clear, breezy 70 degree day, roll down the windows and FEEL the wind against your skin. Feel the warmth of the sun.

If you run, then allow those first few breaths on a cool Autumn day to FREEZE your lungs and do not just be alarmed, be ALIVE.

Get knee-deep in a novel and LOSE track of time.

If you bike, pedal HARD… and if you crash then crash well.

Feel the SATISFACTION of a job well done—a paper well-written, a project thoroughly completed, a play well-performed.

If you must wipe the snot from your 3-year old’s nose, don’t be disgusted if the Kleenex didn’t catch it all… because soon he’ll be wiping his own.

If you’ve recently experienced loss, then GRIEVE. And Grieve well.

At the table with friends and family, LAUGH.

If you’re eating and laughing at the same time, then might as well laugh until you puke.

And if you eat, then SMELL. The aromas are not impediments to your day. Steak on the grill, coffee beans freshly ground, cookies in the oven. And TASTE. Taste every ounce of flavor. Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of Life.

Because-it-is-most-definitely-a-Gift..."

The last paragraph Kyle Lake, d. Oct. 30, 2005, every typed on his computer. He never got to deliver it, electrocuted in the baptismal pool that morning. It was read at the end of his funeral. A much celebrated person. One I got to know and was inspired by listening to his funeral. Parts of it today too personal and too touching and too deep to continue to hear. To listen to friend describe his quirks, humor, sense of silliness and fun and affection...the way he pushed them to intimacy and smiles and grace and life. An inspiration.

In regard to my earlier emotion today...God just met me... at a funeral I never attended.

That's my God.

Los published this today at Ragamuffin Soul (see sidebar). I usually just link to him, but decided I wanted the record for myself on my own blog for my own reference. Thanks. Sorry for the redundancy.

If you would like to listen to the audio from Kyle's funeral service you can download it from these links: Podcast / MP3 (just listen with Windows Media player, even if you don't own a Podcast or have an MP3 player...I had to use the MP3 link and Windows Media.)

~Me

Untitled Frustration

Discouragement. Frustration. Disappointment. Anger.

Great to get out of that rut yesterday. Unfortunately, my wheel got stuck there again today.

Missing reader.

Missing invitations.

Running late....why?

Husband out late, up early, again.

Behind on everything.

Shopping...again.

A friend got some physical enhancement...I'm glad for her. She looks great. But, it's a shock. And I've rationalized myself out of it--wisdom, though I needed it more. Feels really, really crappy!

Six kids have left my kid's private Christian school this month though it's our best year yet! Divorce, money, situations. What if?

The party is Saturday. My house needs so much work. No matter what I do, it will not make up for the fact that another holiday is here and I still have not met decorating goals. Still the same.

She stays home? Why can't she just do it?

She doesn't know. She is stuck in another rut and just getting out of it doesn't seem the solution. Why? She doesn't know.

Timing? I hope so.

God, be real to me today. I'm very discouraged. You are good. Life is blessed. We are well. I am not complaining, just low, and I know you care. Be near. Mine. Bless me. Smile on me. Be everything, as you are.

Me

A Theme Has Emerged...rather, "ThemeS"

Well, Birthday...coming together. Thanks for the momentum boost CJ.

Today I decided on a non theme sort of theme:So, it's a My Little Pony-Strawberry Shortcake-Horse-Girly--Flower--Incredibles Theme.

We hope to find a pony for pony rides -- to measure up to the four wheeler silly string fight last month her brother managed to have without my planning it.

We decided on pizza. I'm making the cake (same one as last year...she LOVED it, thankfully, I think I can duplicate it....a ladybug she saw on the cover of a Kid's Party magazine.)

We drove an hour to shop today. Red is zonked after having to endure also her 3 hour play practice when we got home.

Gifts? An hour drive, but we hit the jackpot as far as selection. Toys R Us. Thank you!

We found the most adorable, life like baby doll I've ever seen! A bunch of women were surrounding this thing, taking every one off the shelf! I had to get in on that, just to see the rave, and got the last one on the shelf. They said they sold out very early last year and haven't been able to get more.

She falls asleep when you lay her down and snores. When you pick her up, she opens her eyes, blinks a couple times, and says, "Momma. Momma." She coos, gurgles, and talks baby gibberish. She's pretty soft (except for the box in her for sound). But the best thing of all is HER FACIAL EXPRESSIONS CHANGE! Her brow furrows, her eyes seem to squint! She blinks while in upright position. I'm not much into dolls, but it's pretty incredible for $20. As long as my daughter learns to power her down...batteries and all. A battery charger is now on my wish list for Christmas.

Biggest Challenge? Finding Fashion Barbie something or other with pants on and a shawl. She wanted the one where she could have a matching purse with Barbie, well Barbie should have worn the little purse...it had to have been bigger than the "skirt". I was shocked. I asked the sales girl where they were...they've been the rage on commercials here this week. I said, "Well, I can't get her that...do you have any with clothes on?" Yeah, it was that bad...it wasn't just the long legs either. And it wasn't just the length...as if that weren't enough, it was the tone... street walker Barbie. Geez. My gal is gonna be seven here!

My Little Pony playdough so she can grow the horse some hair. Yeah, I know it gets stopped up in all the little holes and you can never get it out. I forgot. Suckered by the buy one get one half off sale. No wonder it was on sale. But, the Strawberry Shortcake one looked pretty durable.

Hit some Christmas too. Now I'm ahead! A digital camera of her own. I can't wait. She'll LOVE it. She wants to waste disposables and get them developed and I just can't afford printing that many, um, creative and spontaneous shots. And a Bella Dancer Part 2 Disco with an outfit...she can learn to get down and boogie. Don't know if that will be birthday or Christmas yet.

Dad got her a new pink bike I've not seen.

Starting to sound fun, thank goodness!

And I still need to hit Wal*Mart tomorrow. Third shopping trip with Red in three days. (Somebody prepare me a chocolate IV drip right now! Dove Chocolate...calling my name. Listen closely, you can hear it, too. Have on one me. And fortunately, in this case, you have to use your own stash! I'm a little protective of my Dove.)

~Me!

Bruised Fruit, but Fruit

Okay, blogger. So showing forth the great and mightly personality of Christ through the fruit of the Spirit...his manifest personality is much easier to take charge on when a woman is not struck with PMS.

I am tired, having bad dreams, reading too much into everything, prohibited from getting my work done to the point of extreme frustration today, and my knees are killing me from abusing them biking. My back hurts and is in knots.

But, today I called my Flash "Darling" throughout Wal*Mart, though he was whining throughout. I didn't lose my cool.

I was ready to exercise with my son and didn't get mad when he left me out of the track saying he had to go do 30 minutes of "business". Fortunately, it took less time than he anticipated.

I didn't get to do anything I planned today. But, I still had a favorite meal of my son's for supper to reward him for eating healthy the last two weeks. I planned to cook him a healthy dessert today. But, he didn't like it. Still...

Overall, I am thinking about getting cranky. It sounds the logical choice.

But, I will try to overflow with fruit instead, somehow...by the grace and might of Christ within me. Go MasterLife. Go Great Banquet...Go anything that will get me off my tail and shining like a light. No excuses. I want to do my job.

Me

Hospitality Crisis (Again)

Today. Wierd day. Nothing I planned seemed to fall in place.
Wal*Mart. Walked with Boy Wonder. Dealt with Flash.
Golilocks just lost her birthstone ring in the grass...will be there all night looking. I gave up. It's dark. I need to cook supper.

My other printer cartridge is dead...she's still printing green. Looks like her photo album may not make the birthday deadline. I'll try to work on what I can tonight.

I feel like this week is getting ahead of my...and it's Monday. Birthday party weeks always make me feel that way. What am I doing wrong with this whole thing? I just don't enjoy the planning part as much as I should. We still don't know what day, what theme, how many people, or what we are doing for sure...her birthday is Thursday. Does anybody else fall in this boat? So many Mom's seem to have this thing down and I'm still too far behind to enjoy it like I want to.

Again, any inspiration or commiseration is suitable here.

meeeeeeeee

Owwww

Headache. Splitting. Light hurts. Moving hurts.

But, today, a glorious and delicate blessing upon suprise blessing. Celebration. Surprise. Joy. Pride.

My Mr. Wonderful...bless his heart...working SO, so hard...missing so much today. God bless him and use him and fill him and heal him. He is so tired and spent tonight. Gone again.

Goldilocks just pulled another tooth. He missed it.
She also got up there today in her gold dress and "performed"...just GLOWed...What? My Miss Shy!? Where she'd go?

The light hitting her golden aura...a little joyful enthusiastic, half shy, half loving it, energetic bundle of an angelic being! I didn't even know they were singing today! A theme interp for heaven's sake! Absolutely adorable!

Now, when did she learn that?

"Mom, our 'praiseworship' time is every week!" Duh. Oh. I didn't know that! Tell me it wasn't from heaven!

If that wasn't enough, today she also took the perogative to go "take a stand for Christ" on her birthday at invitation time! All by herself, first line of the song, in front of 570 people! She's been talking her Daddy ito going with her for weeks. I guess the adrenaline just had her ready to "go!" After she stood there for a good while not really knowing what to do, you could sense: "Mom, do I have to stand here through the WHOLE song?" So sweet. My heart melted.

Filled.

Erupted with joy for her, and through her today.

Christ: filling her, making her--before she is even fully His! Shaping her.

How beautiful you are, my darling! A chysalis bursting forth moment by moment,
astounding me,
surprising me,
catching my breath--
taking it away!
I am so "in love" with you today!
Every day...yes,
but overwhelmingly so today!

Glow! You are amazing. Beautiful in all you are becoming. I so love you.

------------------------------------*Such a full day!
We took another hayride today. A memorable one for me. None like it...ever!

A man's son owned the farm. The son died in a tragic carwreck last year. Devastating. But, in God's hands.

The father so happy to have us all out on his son's farm!

BEAUTIFUL...lakes, barns, colored trees.

Half way through, overlooking a lovely lake, the man stopped the tractor, shut off the engine, pulled out his camera, and said, "Now it's time for a picture". Celebrating! New memories for him to cherish and enjoy...seizing his joy! Beam!!!! Laugh! Be proud! yes! Laugh at kids making their ghost sounds. Yes! Thank, you, Lord...for new joy. Carrying on. Rising again. Comfort.

Filled my soul. Friends, all around. Fill, fill, fill. Over and over today! Wow.
____________________*
Oh, Lord Jesus, you take my breath away today! I love you so much. Have I told you lately how much? I haven't. I do love you, my Lord. Thank you.

----------------------------*

Closing service for Great Banquet tonight. Wow. Ragamuffins--yes! All tired, bedraggled, spent women...yet, so filled, full, overflowing! SINGING! SOLOS!? One very thin lady who had stringy, long, matted hair in a big hot pink clip trying to tame part of it. Looking so frail. Mentally challenge. She broke out into a hymn. Wow. Pure beauty and consecration.

I cried. God can do THAT? Shut my eyes. Holiness. A moment. An older african american lady, so unsure of herself, opposed to it all, fighting. Now, singing. Lifting high hymn in angelic, bold voice. Sure. God can do THAT? In three days. Fighting all the way...for us. I cried. He can! He did!

Another young Mom we've prayed and prayed for, "Rosie"...now my sister!

I can't believe it. I really can't. Oh, so hard to reach! To talk to! Reason with! Such a "thinker"...everything figured out...controlled...everything tidy and understandable and scientific.

Now humbled, broken, empty--ready for Jesus!

Wow. I cried and hooped and hollered and laughed! How wonderful! He CAN do THAT!

God is so good! So good, so good!

As an aside, her sister who lost her home in Katrina gave up her weekend spot of "filling" just hoping and praying her little sister would get off the waiting list and find Jesus at all. What sacrifice!

Tears in the morning....joy in the evening.

--------------------------------*

So, this week, I will do as one lady shared: I will not just have a basket of "fruit" OVERFLOWING where people have to peer deep down inside to see it. No! No looking up close! Some never get that close. A beautfiful fruit basket is what?, if not overflowing!!!!

Help me, Lord! I will. I will be there.

Present.

Ready. HElp me.

Planning ahead to be "more" for them, with them.

Not hiding.

Not running.

Not preserving self.

Not looking ahead or behind.

In the moment. Fully. Capturing it all. Being there. Nothing in the way you haven't healed, dealt with, handled! So I'll grant blessing, attention, esteem where you lead. Easy!

I need sleep. Make me more than I am -- for your glory and fame.

Kicking up Fall

The wind is kicking up Fall tonight! The kids will likely all be in my bed before it's over.

Today? Glad it's over, frankly. A series of frustrations.

Trying to keep my family out of my way, not very nicely, while I tried to "heal" my aging computer. Page after page of driver instructions and errors and more errors.

Cleaned it,scanned it, defragmented it--all that and still only 2 GB free space left.

So, my wrists hurt--still didn't get much accomplished.

Had to be done, but not a good way to spend a gorgeous Fall Saturday! It will rain tonight, all the leaves will fall off and be a mess, and I missed the beauty of today doing something I wish I'd put off...when to work, when to play...I don't know that I have that one figured out entirely. But I was rested and thought it was time to tackle something hard again. Missed my husband flying kites outside with the kids and playing on the trampoline. I should have stopped. But, once you start.

I needed to organize seven months of pics I've not touched hiding in KodakShare (great free program you can download online). Need to get started on catching my daughter's scrapbook up for her birthday--my motivator every year to hit it hard to have them ready for parties. Her's is a year behind. Whew. I have some work to do.

We ususally invite two friends to parties...she wants seven. Her age. Get this. She wants, so far: a party, on a school night (her brithday), and a sleepover-- the next night, AND a skating party...maybe, if we could. She shoots high!

I'm having a hard time working all this out for sanity...er, I mean, equity purposes.

Got nervous on this whole thing and decided to skip the family movie "Twelve Dogs of Christmas"? and start printing a few pics tonight...ran out of ink. She's green. Okay, so...

Tomorrow. Would be my band day, but a Sunday off...they are pulling in lots of people from the community for a special community service tomorrow for our 40 Days of Community Celebration. Sounds big. Will be fun. I will miss my team. Seems like forever since I saw everybody last. So much has happened.

Well, hubbie got called in to work for a while, so I guess I'll see what pics I can find already printed and start creating (before the dryer buzzes.) Ready...set...run like the wind Bull's Eye!

~Me!

Security Measures

Okay, so you guys are the greatest. I get the coolest comments on this thing and am meeting the neatest people.

I have to say that I've had some security concerns this week and am considering changing the blog address to remove our last name.

• If you know my real name and location, please don't use it when you comment on my blog or I'll need to delete the comment. (That would make me sad!)
• If you link to my blog locally and choose to reveal your location, no prob, but that would make it hard for me to link to you in a webring for security reasons. I have young kids and post pics, so it's a concern for me where it may not be for you.

Rationale: a friend called me this week and said there had been a murder up North where she used to live and it was related to the young lady having a blog and listed her real name. I've not found the story yet, but will search for it. As much as we know these things just happen in the world no matter what we do, we still need to be as cautious. I'm just considering it.

If you want to continue linking to my blog, I apologize for the inconvenience of having to correct the link. Let me know if you'd like me to send you the new link if I don't have your email by emailing me at this link: Me, Who, Else?.

All the yucky detail stuff!

Thanks!
~Me!

XYZ and Ambiance

Today. My main goal today was to get to the point of feeling rested. I feel like I've woken up with a hangover all week from staying up too late. I never could go back to sleep, but I laid in bed until I felt more rested/bored/tackled by Red.

I started up the fire and sat there to get warm and just rest a while.

I ran a super hot bath. My primary goal today was to slow down enough to shave my legs well. I put my contacts in before the bath and hit every part of my ankle and knee...you know, those parts that get skipped around if you are in a hurry. I was either going to have to slow down or add beads.

I took the two month old polish off my toes. Aaaah.

I had a quiet time in the morning. Aaah....well, I thought it would be an "Aaaah", but I was really just too tired for it. You know your priorities need readjusting when you don't want to read the Bible because you just can't deal with yet another part of your day someone or something dictating what you are supposed to be doing again. I think God understands. I think that's when He says, "That's too tired. You've been too busy. Slow down for a day and Sabbath with me today."

These are the days when I end up getting a few XYZ things done, but not because they are on the schedule. I'm just enjoying. Just doing a few extras to feel ahead. I've found lately that these days are my best form of recovery.

I feel guilty. So much I could have done: birthday shopping, early Christmas shopping, odd and end painting. But, doing that stuff dog tired? What's the point? I'd just be even more cranky...probably end up with a headache. So, I hope to prioritize those things soon...on a good day. So, on my list: self, get to bed earlier so that you feel more like doing some "hard jobs".

Tonight a friend is cooking supper for our family. What a TREAT! Truly a day of rest I needed.

Well, back to my day of renewal. Need to write a few cards. I think I'll go outside and hear the rustling drying leaves to do it...much like the sound of rain or the ocean as the wind gusts back and forth today. Very nice, touch, Lord! Thanks for the ambiance.

~Me

Plum Tuckered Out

The party was fun. The guys brought fried chicken. I cooked sides and dessert and bought the gift. My sister in law helped me assemble and clean up. I have the best three sisters in law in the world. I have no sisters, so they are such a treat for me. Somebody washed my supper dishes tonight...that's what that all means. WOW! I usually tucker out before that chore and leave it until morning when I'm not falling face forward into the sink.

Today I worked so hard on that little scrapbook gift. It took longer than I expected, but it turned out like a year in review minibook. I printed all the pics at wallet size, and the book was a small spiral bound from Wal*Mart for 99cents...so quite economical.

She loved it.

It got so fat it wouldn't come close to looking like it was closing, so I made my own string close feature I was proud of. I used silk flowers for the first time to embellish, and lots of ribbons sticking out. I'll try to post pics of it tomorrow. I'm beat tonight. Been in bed past 1 every night this week. I've got to get back into a routine. I think I just adore Fall so much that I don't want to miss a second of it. When Winter comes, it seems all you do is eat and sleep, so I just don't want to sleep. Eating, I have no problem with. Lately, I'm hungry every hour of the day and late into the night. Moments I still wonder if I could be pregnant, but I don't think I am. I don't think I want to be really. But, there are times when I hate that season of my life is coming to a close. Times I celebrate it loudly...no more diapers, extra bags, carseats, drain.

I love pictures and words...I think if I had a dream job other than helping people, it might be magazine advertising.

Today I fixed something. I love to fix broken things. I bought a circle cutter for about $20 or so and either the circle slid as I made the cut, or the template, or something. I could never get it to work. Well, I realized when I got it I hadn't started using double sized tape yet, and I was only taping the corners of the paper. I zipped that tape all the way across tonight, and WOW. I have GREAT circles. I also put 3-D ZOT glue dots on the cutting board to keep it steady. Those glue dots are my new favorite tool.

Okay, well, so this is boring the men...I'll move on.

I read a statement in Master Life last night that helped settle my innards on the whole "self centered", "deny yourself" conversation. It said, "To deny yourself does not mean to deny individuality, it means to deny self as the center of focus".

Hmmm. Good challenging thought.

Well, a have a paper volcano to try to straighten up in my guest room, a Bible Study to start for Part II of MasterLife if I can stay awake long enough, recipes to get ready for the school cookbook, and a daughter's birthday to start planning for next week. Strawberry Shortcake, here we come!

Plum Tuckered Out,
~Me

75 Years

My Mother in Law is 75 today! Big party here tonight. I haven't known about this even but a couple days, so today's a big cooking day.

I just found her a gold necklace with a pretty filigree butterly pendant. Her first peice of gold jewelry besides her wedding band to my knowledge. Simple, lovely, giving farm people. Biggest hearted gift of hospitality I've ever seen. (She's been known to feed the UPS guy supper if he was running past dark.)

I'm making her a little tiny scrapbook with small pics from this year. Thanks CJ!!! Lifesaver. Time got way too tight yesterday for me to get all I needed. What a blessing!

Busy, busy today. Fun Celebration!!!

75 years. Wow.

~Me

Sabatoge!

You know what I think I discovered today? That you can sabotage a perfectly wonderful day beating up no yourself for no good reason except that some friend had a bad month and took it out on you once. To prepare? Well, good luck trying to regain control. Let me know if you find it.

I've had a great couple days of true rest. Fun. Spontaneity. Good company. And thanks for helping me hang on to it everyone. Moving on...

Today, I found a blue jean jacket...I've really been wanting one. Got rid of my old one only for them to come back into style. It was too thick a denim and never to comfie.

I ran across a manufacturer's outlet going to visit my Dad and found one for 14 bucks! Teenage dept., but that's okay by me. Young at heart, I am.

It is a lot softer.

But, when I got home, one of the buttons didn't match! I thought, "Now how in the world did I miss that? An entirely different color!"

Oh, well, an original....was probably missing a button and they just threw random ones on there. For the price. I wonder if I could take it back...nah. Too far away.

But, then I got ready to go to church and as I was getting in the van, I saw what looked like a button laying in my seat as if it had fallen off? These are like anchored in, not sewn, so I was way confused.

On closer look, it was a button "cover", pressed on the sides! It had fallen off.

Then, I remembered the "random button" said "Land's End".

It was becoming clear: they can't sell the seconds as brand names, so they were trying to cover the name up. Well, don't you know I got home from church, took off all those button covers! They all match AND I know I found a Land's End steal! Then, I got to looking more carefully at the super comfie boot leg jeans I bought for 8 bucks.

Land's End, too! That explains the touch of Spandex and quality features.

I've never had anything from Land's...to expensive for me. But, I love to read the clothes descriptions: "The Perfect Jeans": you'll never want to own another pair of jeans. These jeans are made after many years of researching the perfect fit to be known as your very favorite pair of jeans. We are not joking. You will really want to sleep in these jeans they are so natural and fit so perfectly...in fact, we are thinking of calling them "More than Perfect Jeans". Go ahead. Try them on. You'll never be the same.

~Me!

Sharpening, or Hacking?

So, still thinking on this "self-focused" topic. Because, rather than just defending or arguing, it is important to also consider.

So, for instance, is blogging "self focused"? Some might say that it is, and to some, I suppose it is.

I guess it comes down to, in large part, motive.

Why am I blogging? Is it just to brag about what am doing, talk about me...hope you'll read about me? I guess that happens, but that is not why I blog.

I blog because I want to celebrate my life. I want to focus on the things worth blogging...not just the emotion that carries me, or jerks me, in and out of the day. I blog because being a stay at home mom is very hard, and I lose sense of my own thoughts, my own joys, and my own self all too easily. I blog because I cannot spend hours upon hours in the day on the phone, emailing, and connecting with people in traditional ways. I blog because it allows me to share things I find on the net with others instead of it being a purely selfish thing of saving all resources, ideas, and finds for myself.

I blog because I want others to be part of my world, my pictures, my life, even though I often cannot take the time I would like to sit down and visit. I blog because I like a place to be thoughtful or funny or reflective...even when there is no one around who I can be that way with. It lets me focus on my children more, not less, to have a place to vent and be real for just a few minutes here and there in the day.

I take more pictures. I enjoy more moments...I look for the "bloggable". I think it is shaping me into a more positive person. A more attentive person to the joys. A more "real" person...in that, I am finding what I like and do not like. Honestly, as I was telling a friend yesterday, until I had to fill out my profile and come up with "who am I"? I could not have told you what my favorite color was, my favorite food, my likes, dislikes. My life has been from one type of school to another, to work, to early motherhood. My likes and dislikes were lost in the shuffle...they were there, I guess. But, doesn't it feel a little weird to not know what they are? I always thought it sounded weird to "find yourself" as if you could be lost.

But, there is a truth to knowing yourself.

I think for a long time I felt low often because I didn't even know what cheered me up. I was just there because that's where I should be. I served because that's what I should do. I did the right things because they were the right things. Nothing wrong with that.

I'm just enjoying the season God has me in this year. Soaking in joy. Enjoying the moments that will not last forever. Photographing them. Laughing at them. Basking. A season is ending. The toddler season. I am squeezing everything I can out of this year.

Am I self focused? On the outside, I suppose it could look that way, and maybe I am. Probably so.

But, would I regret not living this way for this year? I think so.

My priorities are around my family and where I fit in that for now. Could I serve more, minister more, focus on others more...YES! But, am I self focused? I don't think so.

I am, however, learning to celebrate self. I spent too many years beating up on self as if I were God and had the right.

I am not. He doesn't.

The first verse of our Master Life class says, "If you will follow me, you must deny yourself daily, take up your cross, and follow me."

So, what does that mean for me right now? Does it mean I deny myself all joys? No, I don't think so. For me, it may be scrapbooking for the day.

Frankly, this is something I told a friend once I would never, ever do. A waste of time, money, and duplication of effort. Why did I start? God told me to.

I was not having time to cherish family the way I wanted to and should. I was not getting time with other females that I needed. I did not having a time for creative outlet I am wired for. I did not even know where to start and didn't really "want" to, but I did it because He led me there for that season.

Now, God is using it in my life to multiply joy in ways I cannot even articulate.

From the outside, does it just look like another "self focused" activity? Probably so. But, should I even have to defend it? Not really. It is part of me.

I could make a list of pursuits that could seem "self focused" to anyone else who is not doing them. Things that take time, effort, energy, concentration. Things others may not understand.

Today, I guess I am heavy and grieve that I often do the same to others. "How could he/she have time to do THAT with all they have going on? No wonder they are tired and running late all the time. No wonder they got hurt...how silly. No wonder..."

How childish is that? Who am I?

It is one thing to be reminded of a hurt. It is another to allow God to show you that the pain you feel is the same pain you have caused others and ask him to help you forgive and to change you to be more like Him.

That's where I am today. A simple comment can remind you of a wound that hasn't fully healed. But, I hope it is also making me more who I need to be myself...just as guilty of "judging another man's servant."

Tough to "sharpen one" another ("as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another") without hacking at each other! Help me know how to do it your way, Jesus!

Thanks for allowing me to hash this out some.

~Me!

You-ness

This is one of those "huh?" blogs...at least for me. I'm just going to let it rip and not overedit. I hope it makes sense, but I think it will just come out better if I let it fly. Those who've been there, or are there will get it. So...here we go:

I get it, but I don't. Or maybe I get it too much...or not enough.

Maybe a little of both extremes and not enough in between.

So, here it is: There is an assumption apparently out there somewhere that says "time spent to improve self is 'self-focused' time. Time spent expressing self, improving self is "self-focused" time.

Now, first of all, I have to tell you that my first response to this was probably the truest and I should stick with it. Judgment. I tend to go back to that because when I got this input at one point in my life from a dear friend over "always talking about a book I was reading, some hobby, or something", that's how I felt. Judged. Not that some wisdom had been given me. Some insight. Some reproof I needed to consider. It was more a feeling of..."do you even know me anymore? Because I really don't think you could know my heart, life, motivations, or needs enough to say that to me."

But I do take serious comments from friends seriously. I give them consideration. This one a few years ago is one I have a hard time getting over...not because I can't forgive the hurt, but because I feel, still, so misunderstood and unknown for who I am. Not that that makes what I do "right", but in such a thing...who's to say who is "right"?

I find myself going back to the reactions and advice a trusted friend gave me when I asked for her ear on the matter. I was upset, depressed, and frustrated with myself over the frustrated observation.

This was one of the times in my life when a "second godly friend" came in handy. (Never have just one friend...you're out of balance...or you will be at some point, or they will be...shoot for several, in your church, out of your church, in your family, out of your family). She reacted with what I recall as holy indignation of sorts. "You mean to tell me that someone looked at your life, what you are doing, how you are spending your time, and they told you what they thought as if they were God? I'm sorry, but I just don't understand this. Maybe she was right, but I just cannot imagine going up to anyone and telling them that their pursuits were self centered, self focused, self motivated, whatever. Listen here: Did you feel like you were where God wanted you to be in those areas at the time?"

"Yes. I think so. Maybe I was wrong, but I think so, as far as I could tell. I mean, we all get out of balance at times. It's a struggle."

"But, to your knowledge, you were trying to follow Him, doing what you felt He wanted you to be doing."

"Yes. Overall."

"Then I would say, and I'm not God, examine your own heart, but the scripture that comes to mind is the one that talks about not judging another man's servant. You do what your master tells you to do. She does what he tells her to do at any given time. For either one to judge or comment on the priorities of the other outside of requests for evaluation or outright reproof seems very out of line to me."

Well, I'm not saying my friend did not have her right to comment. But, I am saying that it was hurtful. And I did feel like I was being judged. That was affirmed by a mentor. I am saying that if you do things that to others seem a waste of time, they misjudge your intent or your motives...go back to your boss and see if you have his direction and favor. Let go of the desire to please man over pleasing God. Care about what others think. Don't force your agenda or your ways on them, but don't them them force their style and their way on you either. You are you. Be you. Let them be them. If they cannot affirm you in your "you-ness", then do as yet a third friend said in wisdom today...give yourself a little space to breathe for a while.

To "you-ness". Not the kind that will not grow, stretch, and be willing to change. But, the kind that is stretching and growing...ALL THE WHILE celebrating who you have been made to be already.

~Me!

Days of Grace

Grace:

"Untamed Love --

the love that goes before

and greets you on the way...

it meets us where we are

but does not leave us

where it found us."

~Anne Lammont

photo in honor of a grace giving friend...
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