Mountain Air

words to
Margaret Becker's "Find Me"

I'm gonna move on down to Elliston
Let my hair grow wild and free
Rent a second story studio
Find the other side of me
I'm gonna sit out on the edge of the fire escape
Feel a little destitute
Search for feelings that will help me remember
The love that I had for You

Find me, find me
I'll wait for You
Find me, find me
I'll wait for You

I'm gonna give away my stereo
Give away my T.V.
I'm going back to essentials,
a chair and a lamp
And the Book that You wrote to me
You see, I'm looking for the You that used to speak so clear
I'm looking for the me that had a heart to hear
And I'm looking for the passion that held me here
On the edge

Find me,
find me
I'll wait for You

You see, I'm looking for the me that I used to know
I'm looking for the love that was out of control
'Cause I feel a little cold here in the afterglow

Find me,
find me
I'll wait...
for you!

I've had this song on my heart all week...couldn't remember all the words, but the intent of "forced simplicity" to find God again impresses itself on me. I've started another powerful Bible study coming right out of MasterLife to keep up the disciple of study and prayer and journaling and it's awesome. It's been life changing already for me. Life altering anyway. Reigning me in where I need it. Bending me. Yet...ever need God to teach you Himself? Need to hear from him? Be led by Him? Not a "man"? I feel that way this week a bit.

A friend summarized my thoughts today when she said, "I'll been so focused on something important and urgent for so long...now that it's over, I feel completely lost and out of focus, in a funk, agitated."

It described me. I'm trying to keep in balance, and am doing well...but miss just the raw, spirit-led worship of alone time with God. I need that. I can't seem to fit it into all the "balance" of everything going on. I can't.

Anyway, this song was one of the "deeper" Christian artists on the scene when I was a teen (eons ago) and has echoed in my heart since in various seasons of my walk when I'm getting just too busy to hear. This is one of those weeks I can't get it to shut off. I just went to the piano bench a minute ago, remembering I had it on sheet music. I played and sang it through softly as the kids went to sleep upstairs.

Tears broke through immediately that needed to cry. A need to let go of everything--as long as it takes to hear his tender compassion and gentle leading and presence again. No point. No direction. No service. No people to lead anywhere. Just Him. The waiting...I think the slowness and determination of the waiting. I think that was a title of one of MaggieB's albums as well if I'm not mistaken. "The Waiting". Someone once gave me a word from God, "Though it lingers, wait for it." They said God told them I would know what it meant. I still don't know to this day. But, I know there is value in the waiting...for Him.

For what? For me...right now? To see Him. Not just email him or blog or write a ljournal entry prayer or "talk on the phone" kind of visit. No, the kind that just says, "I just need to see you face to face. I don't care what we do. It's been too long. Let's get together. Please, as soon as we can. I need time with you."

With that, I'm suspending writing on the blog...hopefully not until my "hair grows wild and free!" (though that sounds fun, and I'm on my way!)

The blog I recommend in the next entry has all the content I've been trying to say since last September in one way or another anyway, only better, with the community and thoughtful response I Do me a favor and hang out there for a while this week. I meant...see what people think about issues like, "Christians and language in her authenticity section". See how they respond. We are so sheltered in our realization of why some Christians do what they do. And we need to be prepared as to how to respond in a godly way, as Anne has the goal of doing.

Do we know God's heart well enough to respond in love? Can we teach, not just fad or culture, or legalism...but Godliness, God's heart on relevant matters? Do people really know what being Christ-like looks like? Or are they, like one commentor on Anne's speech post, afraid of losing their individuality-- having a bunch of "boring Christ clones"? Wow. We've lost something, church, if being Christ-like is perceived as boring and cookie cutter, or people fear losing themselves in it. Something about the sincerity of that comment scares me.
We need more. Of what, I'm not sure. But, I want it.

Anyway, I'll see you when I return from the mountain. All I know is, I need to worship. I don't know how long it will be. I don't know if I need the fire or the wind, or the calm. I just need to worship again. Really worship until I know I have. Not to lead, not to play an instrument, not to do it well. Just to worship.

I don't mean to sound dramatic...but perhaps I need the drama to make sure I do it. Perhaps you can identify with times when you sense your spirit is crying here and there...something...and all that can help is the touch of the Master. His voice. His help. His eyes. His vision for you. His knowing.

I've said enough to not have much to say.

I'll miss you while I'm gone! I'll pray for you to find what you need to keep you going strong as you find your mountain also.

Press on! Keep me updated with YOU! I'm tired of "me"! No lack of self worth there...just the honest truth! More of Him.


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