Melted

melted...
I'd go find a good graphic to make it funny, but I'm just not in the mood for humor.

105 Christmas cards done...about that many to go. Man, I have a big family.

I know you can opt out of this tradition, but my kids are at good ages for pics, so for 33 cents a peice at Wal*Mart and a 40 cent stamp...I can attempt to stay in touch with people I never see except for funerals. Maybe it will open a door somewhere. Show I care. Now, friends, those are fun.

I thought if I got ahead of the holiday some, I could really just settle down and enjoy it. Tonight, I'm like...you mean we're STILL doing Christmas?

I love all the twinkle and glow...I'll miss it when it's gone. But, never having a moments rest of not having critical things done? That part is no fun.

I thought about titling this "my womanhood is tired", but that sounds rather funny to those who might not understand my mindset.

I don't know...some nights, when I'm especially tired, and hormones are wacky, I think of my mother...how I look at what she did for us now, and I try to do it, and I don't see how in the world she pulled it all off, and I think...how could they ever have given all that up? My parents divorced about eight years ago. I came from a Christian family. My Dad was a deacon. We were in church every time the doors were open. I had a great gift. But, I pour all this into something that feels like building tradition that will last. It feels like I'm investing eternally. It feels good. But, I get attacked wondering if it's really all that valued by anybody but me after all.

I suppose there is a balance to what we do for the holidays.

Well, I'm really in a venting mood tonight. Reflective. Contemplative. Not so cheerful. I ask God now and then why He gives women moods like this...women like me anyway. Moods where I wonder if I'm enough. When I wonder if I trust Him...or even try.

And old comfort praise songs hit the wide screen of of my mind: "You're all I want. You're all I ever needed. You're all I want. Help me know you are here. Help me know you are near."(maranatha)

and

"Take me away. Take me away, so I can be with you." (vineyard)

recently

"I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this by myself. I can't do this. I can't do this. Oh, God I need your help". Bethany Dillon (I think)

All there is to do on a night like this is to try to rest and stop thinking and know that "tomorrow is another day".

Oh, and, yes, I had a good time at my husband's party, if I want to answer optimistically. I can have a good time anywhere, and I try. But, I had to try real hard. And I really don't like to try so hard when I have to use childcare. But, we did leave early to go see "Chronicles of Narnia" at the 9:30 show afterwards. (Thank you, God! Blessed relief!) It broke my heart in contrast. In general, it left me with a haunting feeling. One I can't shake. A good one. One that says..."Focus. Prepare again for battle. Sharpen your tools. A war is at hand. Be ready. Do no get distracted by promises of 'treats' and things of this world. Defend your territory." Deep stuff. God spoke to me clearly throughout the whole movie. I could hear Him challenging me, encouraging me, preparing me for change in my walk...moving me back toward discipline soon that I've had to neglect to do holiday.

It's really a phenomenal movie. Intense for young kids though, I'd say. We'll wait for ours, and my oldest is 9. But, they've not been exposed to a lot. My friend said when she saw it, nobody wanted to leave the theatre...they gave a standing ovation at the end. It was worthy of it in my opinion. Can't wait for the sequels (I'm hoping!).

until later,
me