Ready for Take-Off

Dad went FAR! Red runs to congratulate

Wow. The first Day we could all enjoy snow and sled as a family. We all voted it was the best day of our lives. We got up at 8:30AM with ONE INCH of precious snow...the first of the season for us. It was icey. We'd "bought a hill" on the farm behind the house this year. And WHAT A HILL IT WAS! Perfect. Okay, so some rocks hit you when there is only one inch of snow...in places that REALLY MATTER. I still can't sit easily and squeled "OH!" everytime I tried to get in the Explorer to and from church today. A point which the whole family is enjoying much more than wounded Mom.

To Die or Not to Die

CNN.com - Inmate, 75, says he's too old to execute - Jan 13, 2006

Not sure how long CNNs links are "permalinks", but an interesting legal twist and comments from family members of murder victims.

Windows Media Player - MozillaZine Knowledge Base

"Some embedded streaming media [I assume they are referring to Yahoo news and CNN news pages] use Active X controls to invoke the windows Media Player. ActiveX is an Internet Explorer plug-in technology that does not normally run on Mozilla or Firefox. "

I have this week seen fit to instal Mozilla Firefox browser combination with my old Google full toolbar reinstalled on top of it. I like Google's ease of use better. The new grey "Skin" I found looks great on the computer. It runs a bit slower than Explorer on my new Windows Media HP computer. However, the security features are great, and once I get used to each web page being "tabbed" at the top of the screen, I will be able to toggle back and forth and close each page individually easier than with Explorer.

However, viewing news on CNN with Firefox, I ran into some problems. I reinstalled Windows Media [vs. 10] to make sure there was no problem there.

Here is the answer to that...the way they use Active X and plug-ins. I'm still not sure I've figured out where or not to try to get it working, if it's worth the risk, or how to do it from the article, but like Prego, I think "it's in there."

I recommend the use of Firefox over Explorer. But, it seems there is a bit of a learning curve in some areas.

Windows Media Player - MozillaZine Knowledge Base

Hope that's useful to you if you struggle with malware as much as I have. Most of us know about Adaware by now to help with that, but still labor intensive in my view.

Me

QuickTime patch hits trouble | Tech News on ZDNet

Some of you may have read about the security vulnerabilities with Quick Time and the fix they offered early this week. The cure may be worse than the disease according to news release today on ZDNet.
Click here before downloading the current 'fix' version:
QuickTime patch hits trouble | Tech News on ZDNet

Today's Digi Layout Attempt

Click this baby and look at him real good. My body made that.

Okay, today's graphic attempt at digital layouts is less cluttered than yesterdays version (now deleted). Seeing it online I didn't like it.

Using Creative Keepsakes software hubbie surprised me with for Christmas. Like cutting pics, layer feature, soften eges, titling over pics as best features. When I'm not in the mood to make a scrapbooking mess--digi!

Note, if you want 12X12 albums, if has a 6X6 layout feature for tiling sections.

Mountains

Don't you love it when your days have gotten a little too "on you" and God just gives you some time to PLAY? Balance. He's SO good at it.

Yesterday it was good to get out of the house, do some things different, and yes, PLAY!

"Life"? Yeah, it still creeps in...but I was in a much better mood for it after playing a while! Someone called me for a lunch date, and it was good to just get out of the house and be somewhere else. Lunch happened to be fantastic! Great chocolate mousse cake to boot!
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I bought a book this week called "The Sonoma Diet". I'm liking it...mainly because it follows what I was taught in dietary/nutrition classes in college, and the type of diet I like to follow anyway when I'm enjoying eating the most. No guilt. Eat great tasting foods that are good for you, enjoy them, enjoy eating.

This book says "enjoy the sensuosness for it's pleasure!". Who'd argue with that! Seriously, not letting go of that element of enjoyment with eating, even when you are needing to eat more healthy foods. No weird mixes or poweders or gravel food.

I've never proclaimed myself to be on a diet at any point in my life. But, I have, at times, made goals of eating foods I know are better for me and working out more. Those two goals have kept my weight under pretty decent control and I don't spend my life miserable "dieting". I'm just eating better than most people...and there is a level of healthy pride that can push you in that.

I know metabolism and other hereditary factors come into play, likely making it more difficult for some people. But, it IS fun to eat good foods! I like re-reading what current health foods are considered to be...what research says is best for us at present...what type of oils and fats and sugars are best goals. And then, we can make informed choices that taste good, and cook well! I want to protect my family in this way, not setting them up to fail. Currently, too many processed foods in this house. (But ,with sour cream, you have to have chips!!!! Okay, so I've still got work to do.)

Sometimes, we just like to ignore the facts and excuses ourselves. Here's the thing. We act like high fat foods are the only enjoyable foods. Not true! We are just missing out on a lot of good tasting food! We could eat all day long on that type of food.

I hear of people all the time who say they "hardly eat anything", but will guzzle enough large gulp cokes to drown a person in one day. Add a few cookies and you're on such a sugar high that you won't ever be hungry for good food. We emotionally meet some need, but really feel lazy and awful the rest of the day, not even realizing it.

Diabetics don't know the different in sugar, starch, and natural glucose, and we don't either! We'd pay big bucks for some dietary or herbal supplement to help us loose weight, but won't learn how to eat to look and feel better. We live in a strange generation.

Working on providing great snack substitutes--new habits. It's fun.
---
Working out? Not going so well. Did work out twice last week.
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Bible study? Got my week's work done. Went to study. Guess what? Turns out I'm a week ahead! So, no wonder God wasn't helping me not get behind. You are KIDDING me.

Actually, I expected it to be boring. It was on basic spiritual warfare. Day 5, almost didn't do, but that day's study whapped me upside the head. Simple concept I've heard before...in warfare...newsflash... GOD WANTS YOU TO WIN! HE WANTS YOU TO WALK IN VICTORY...not defeat.

I didn't realize how little I was applying that until I let the concept of victory "take over my mind" when I woke up yesterday. Wow! What a difference! So much of the time, I live life in "demo mode". I mean, know Jesus will win, as in a video game after you put the real quarter in-- He HAS won! But, my exercise feels, at times, like God wanting us to practice, but not particularly ending it or letting us feel the victory of a "level won". So much NOT God! We serve a God of victory, celebration, rejoicing, pride in a healthy way. Pride in Christ, and all He can help us do in Him. He really wants us to experience, daily, FEELING the victory of the win! But I wasn't living that way. Not enjoying daily victories in Him enough...not CREATING them nearly enough! Just getting apathetic and tired. Not yesterday!

We don't know when the game counts! EVERY DAY, He wants and intends for us to WIN, in everything! To be victors. Overcomers! Triumphing! On top of it all...no matter how seemingly unimportant or mundane pr big our "mountain" is! Mountains are for moving, by faith.

Yesterday, I decided to warfare in my little world and do something about what I could, thank him and praise him instead of listening to my own natural little complaining, grumpy recorder that tends to take over if I'm not thankful.

What a difference! Do what I can, leave the rest in His hands.

What a fun day!

Morning Light

That pic gets me every time.

Now, digitally enhanced by Mommy and all kinds of "aaawh".

Right now, the kids are trying to convince me they must be allergic to SOMETHING! Anything?! "Come on, Mom...think...there MUST be SOMETHING!"

I'm drawing a blank.

...as I embrace my peaceful, quiet picture. Awwwwwhhhh.

Converting to Sugar

Tonight has been so boring I thought about emailing myself. Hubbie had late meetings and the day lasted an eternity. Daughter didn't get home until 4:30.

I know. I pray for "hunger", then freak out when I start to feel...bored? Took me like eight hours to make any connection whatsoever between the two. I'm rather slow.

In the meantime... played Sonic Playstation II with Red for half an hour-- until I could beat him on occasion. I can now beat a four year out on occassion.

Started taking down Christmas trees now that Navy brother has gone home. Dropped a glass ball down two stories, hitting both floors, shattering mercilessly 8-10 foot swaths. How that is possible, I still don't know. I'll be on the search for glass for days.

Wonder Boy is caught up on his school work. Ever wonder how they do all the work in like an hour and we send them to school all day? Go homeschoolers. If it weren't for his imperative need to talk and learn and ask questions constantly, I'd keep him home.
~~~~
So, Hubbie tells me last night I'd been writing some good blogs lately.

What?! Nonchalantly I say, "Oh yeah, which ones, I thought you said you lost the address." When did he find the address? I invited him to read, but he seldom has time, and I didn't think he'd been reading it. Not that it matters, but it's just a freaky feeling sometimes-- to not know who you are "talking to". You just don't think about it. Then someone comments and you think...what did I say last week?

He said, "Those are good, I can see how they would bless people, if anyone reads. "

Okay, so a lot of you do much better as this thing than I do audience-wise, but I was so proud to tell him it's up to about 430 hits a month now. I know, a lot of you get like a hundred a day or something surreal, but hey, this is me, stay at home mom with like...okay, so what do I even talk about? I don't even know.

Even more cool to me than that is...some friends have started giving it a run. I must say, doing an even better job that I do. I'll list them soon. I love it. It's like giving birth to a...okay, so that like, didn't work at all. I was going to say cyberbaby, but that is just weird. Anyway. some friends are blogging, and it's cool.

I'm moving from cookies/chocolate down to candy/chips/raw sugar today. Leftover RUNTS from the kids Christmas, leftover CandyCorn from fall...okay, I did eat two truffles and drank gourmet hot chocolate. But, I AM cutting back. I'm on it. I'm totally getting back into health food, very soon. Cookbooks tomorrow. If I have time. No, seriously...soon.

About all the excitement I can stand for one day. Keep on!

Check Mark

Tuesday. I am still not so much enjoying entering into the disciplines of January.

See, it wasn't supposed to be this way. I was supposed to really enjoy Decemeber, and bake, and eat cookies, and go to parties, and get (I mean give) gifts. Then, in January, I would enjoy STOPPING eating cookies, and would get a riot out of Bible Study, and excercise, and routine, and decluttering.

Something has gone awry.

In any case, I did do the Bible Study today and am on track to finish the course load for the week by tomorrow, Wednesday. Not enjoying it, not emotionally involved, not getting a kick out of it, but am establishing the habit and holding to my commitment. If I'm not enjoying it, I don't usually get much out of it. But, here we are, re-forming habits. Now, to the treadmill. iTunes...come and save me!
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Otherwise, Boy Wonder is home sick from school in the bathroom, Mr. Wonderful feeling better, and I'm just yucked out.

See...my Goldilocks brought home her report card with her second check for "obedience"--as in, needing improvement.

What? What for?

So, respectful letters are written back and forth to teacher to try to determine what steps are needed, what the issues are, and what I can do from here...hard, when she is THERE. I have no problem getting her to obey...well, okay, so there are times.

But, in general, I can bare down and get her to...

But, the point is... she's not getting it on her own, and it's time.

So I have a big problem I didn't know I had, and therefore, a very big headache I cannot shake and a very bad mood.

Praying, thinking this through, I have simply determined that her problem is that she is such a great and adorable student that she has confused the difference in being blessed for this divine state as opposed to taking "privelege". She must think she'll be understood for her lofty ideals, goals, and aspirations.

(Okay, stop hacking about it...not THAT funny. I'm sure that's the trouble part of the time anyway.)

But, yes. She's also just being downright sneaky. SHE NEEDS JESUS!

She's six. A first grader. Testing her limits like she's wired to do...like all kids do at some point.

"Put the pencil away. Listen." She puts the pencil under her desk and continues to play with it?

Are you seriuos? Well...shoot...I would have done the same thing, I loved art a lot better than class. But, it's a heart issue, so we deal with it and get it done hard. How many other little things are there? Or not. You don't know.

So, you bare down, teach, encourage and pray it gets better.

Thinking of ways to try to teach her. Sounds easy. Gets hard. You want them to be critical thinkers and to be indepedant, reasoning things out, making their own way...yet, to know when to STOP thinking, STOP reasoning, and flatly obey a, "Stop.", "Stay.", or "Put it away".

I guess I assumed that first time it showed up it was a beginner's mistake. Now, we're getting into habit or character or something else, and ouch!

Already tainted for life, on permanent record, in need of grace.

Not fun for a mother AT ALL. Sounds trite for those of you not yet getting graded, I know. You're skimming by now. (I mean, the children, yes...the children are getting graded. Just wait.)

So, first I teach her to stop rationalizing. No problem. Until I realize how often I'M doing the same thing. So, I'm driving over the speed limit with my kids asking me why we are in such a hurry? "Well, kids, we are in a hurry because we just get in too big of a hurry, and we get in a hurry BECAUSe you guys aren't getting reading on time. We haven't had breakfast. We couldn't find a shoe, you didn't brush your hair or teeth when I asked you to...we were supposed to be there 5 minutes ago! THAT is why."

Sound familiar? Sound like normal. Yeah. Sounds like somebody didn't start early enough. WHO was that?

So, now who has the check mark?! Ugggggghhhhh. I hate school!

Being a "good person" does not excuse crossing the line. Having good motives or a good heart or a good explanation. I mean, seriously, when The Teacher comes back, am I going to be found doing what I was told to do...or "out of my seat" doing my own thing, too? Good reasons.

And is He going to ask why or is He just going to give me that look that ceases speach and quick answers? I can hear it now, "Oh, I was just..." into nothingness. Because it won't matter. The test is over. I did not obey. Check.

Anybody else just cringe trying to teach your kids the very basics? Our parents pray this on us, I know. Whew. Gets to me. No, it isn't that personal, it's normal. But, it just gets to you. Wait and see! Normal stuff, everybody deals with it...but, still, one heavy-hearted Mommy not doing her own thing very well today...not the ideal, the goal. Getting fine grades, but still getting the fateful "check".

Selah Moment

Today, trying to do whatever I can to help my sick husband not feel so behind. He was sick all night and had to work today.

Took out five trips of trash to the burn pile from Christmas to be burned, paid some taxes, went to the grocery for meds and food.

Red was great company, racing me. Played Playstation 2 with him.

Got boxes out of the barn to store Christmas stuff away.

Caught up on correspondence.

Prayed with my journal...back to pen and paper...basics. Felt good. Clears my mind to see ink flow, alone with the Lord.

Setting some goals for myself.

Keep moving.

Decided to stop counting "regular chores" as "goals"...to keep doing them and add some larger tasks this week to try to get ahead.

Still have to do MasterLife today. On to that now. Nothing exciting, entertaining, or noteworthy in particular. Just an update on the day. A selah moment. (selah, psalm term, means, "to pause and think about it"). So, my selah moment being over, I will go work-lah.

Me

SNL Skit

Wow.

This link is circling around the webring. I'd be remiss to keep from sharing it with you if you missed it on SNL. You'll want to see it.

Click here to view. Takes a few minutes to load, but you can do other things and will hear it from "minimized" when it's ready to start.

I'll save my comments for the comment form later, along with any you might have. Don't want to ruin it for you.

Onward and Upward

Today Upward begins. A children's sports ministry centered on Christ.

My little cheerleader has gone from shy, wanting to cheer, but "not to a crowd" last Fall...to anxious for her first real ballgame today. She has her first real "uniform", and is the tallest on her squad. Not the loudest...but often the first to think of the next cheer. The girls will cheer for BOTH teams.

Real pom-poms. Wow. A girlhood activity I never got to do. I am so thankful for Upward. I am thankful that she can do something fun and encouraging without learning to shake her bootie a little more than I'd like.

They are adorable.

And, of course, my second season basketball player...ready to do his thing. She is anxious to cheer for brother's team...which I think is cool. They asked in Upward what they liked to "make"...in relation to their Bible verse this week about God not living in templed made by man. Everybody was making crafts and pictures and things that made sense. She said, "I like...to make my little brother happy".

Man. That does reflect her. Just wanting to be there for the other person. She is so maternal at heart I can hardly stand it. A real servant. How can she be born that way?
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Personal:

Today, the struggle begins to get back into Bible study. I don't want to! I am enjoying the freedom of "surfing, gliding, enjoying the ride!" But, that time if OVER....month of December: party hard.

I know if I don't stay on track, I'll be "too behind" soon...

Today, I awoke fighting it. So, I pray today for God to remind me that I cannot love him unless the word of truth is active in my mind. I ask him to draw me back into the word.

I remember the verse from last semester that I "will know the truth, and the truth with set [me] free."

Does that mean I already know enough truth to be free...or that, as long as there is more truth to know ...I am still in bondange in some area that I COULD be free in.

As I struggle to find love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness gentleness, and self-control (personality traits of His Spirit) in my own personality, then I still need to be freed in some areas of my "knowing" Him and His word?

I want that. I want total freedom...total abandon in Him and His truth. Unhindered by lies that keep me from exibiting him in my personality. I want to be a personality that reflects His.

I want to really know His love for me in truth...unhindered love, that allows me to live in that personality, unashamed, unafraid.

There was a blog this week that spoke to me on this level. It spoke of loving someone and being happy, joyful for them in their life, offering them "blessing"...in spite of the fact that they were walking in blatant sin. Wow.

God just began to show me that his love for me was just like that. He would show me, as I seek Him, how to live...but, even in that...there is NO TIME that he holds his love back from me because of my behavior. He may correct and discipline me...I may not feel his ultimate favor because of my blatant disobedience. But, I still am the apple of his eye! We ALL are. I mean, He is so "for" me that he just can't help it. He wants the very best for us. It hurts him when we settle for anything less due to our own reasoning. That's all.


Well, that gets too deep, even for me! He LOVES me!
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Well, off to "put on the full armor of Christ" this morning.

I usually don't say this, but if you are behind, back up and read this week's blogs...some of the richest experiences in my life. Truly.

Me

In Love

Listening to: Chris Rice's When Did You Fall in Love

Just got off the treadmill, listening to my newly burned iTunes CD. Love it. Love the time to turn it loud, tune out, worship, and get myself alive. My blood warm for the first time today...such a cold winter day with winter wind and light rain and all grey and cold. Up WAY too late last night for no particular reason...sleepy all day, feeling yucky ucky as a result.

Three hour praise band practice today jam packed. I hope I remember half of what we're doing when. Communion services such a blessing to play for, but always so challenging to make sure it's "right".

I hope it will be.

In any case, it's more my spirit I want in good shape right now. Time for Valentin-ish anticipations I suppose!

Listening to Rice's song...a love song. Just makes me somehow long for the Lord in a fresh way...not just an "in love" faddish, fleeting, giddy love...but the kind of love that makes you just smile...all the time. You can't help it. He just loves you so much, and you know it, and that's all that really matters on the worst of days. And you love Him...not out of commitment or obedience or worry about doing the right things or living the way he wants or being the best wife or parent or disciple. You just love him. Oh, I know...don't live on feelings...but sometimes we give them too little credit. He made those, too. "Will" love...yes! Choose love...yes! Make a solid decision based on truth...yes! But, FEEL!

"Do you love me?"
"But, do you really love me?"
"Do you LOVE love me?"

That kind.

I don't think he said, "Then feed my sheep" because he was tricking Peter. I think it was like a woman dying who said, "Do you love me as much as I think you do? I mean, really?"

"Yes, I do."

"Then, will you please take care of my kids when I am gone? You know they are my one thing."

"Oh, yes. I know it. I'd be delighted to do all I can, and you know it."

That kind of thing.

But, back to the love...I thought of the reality of opening up my email to find a sweet note from my husband, and remembering in the mundane of the day that our love is real and active. What if I got an email from Jesus? Wow. From: Jesus 1 zillion MBs. Attachment. Messages with attachments can cause harm to your computer. Are you sure you trust the sender? Corny. Made me laugh.

Jesus, you bless me! Just like that. You are pouring life and blessing and anointing into me today. You are empowering me to live and move and love and serve. You are making and molding and shaping me. You believe in me. You want to be with me as much as I want to be with you.

You would walk into the room right now if it would be best. But, it's not.

It's best that you are here...in my heart, a direct line. Direct view to my heart of hearts, seeing the real me, letting me know the real you.

Crying when I cry, and laughing when I laugh. (And hoping I laugh more than I cry.)

Giving me all I need. Preparing for me all I need.

Letting me know, "it's not about me"...while showing me that mysterious paradox that it's also "all about me."

You've tattooed my name on yourself!
It's true!
Isaiah says, "See, I have engraved you on the palm of my hand. You are mine."
What a man!

Oh...I love my earthly man more than words can tell. And mysteriously, he keeps getting better. How, I cannot fathom. But, he does. But, with you...there is no comparison. The love of my life! My candlelight romance from girlhood until now. My first date and my last. My love.

I may fail many times (rather...I will), but you know my heart above all others. You understand me and know my desire to please you. You know how I hurt when I don't bless you. When I get twisted and turned and confused trying to do right and ending up doing all wrong...you teach and heal and comfort and keep me centered: comfort me. Love me. Spread your wings wide over me...soft feathers that enfold and hide me until I'm ready to come out again...to try to smile again.

Oh! Today I thought a marvelous thought! You do not just take me and let me hide there and give me a hidden job to do to make me feel productive since I'm all scarred and broken...taking pity on me. No...you are....like the Great Samaritan: When everyone else may have passed me by, you stopped. Came over. Looked at me. Picked me up. Carried me. Paid for my care. Took me in. Saw that I was healed. Nursed me to health. And then...you came back to check on me.

On my own, I don't belong with the likes of you...but, you are just that way. Caring. Man above all men. Mighty hero coming to save. Count on it. A hundred times. Never failing. Always running.

You cure even my ugly leprosy. You come to me. Touch me. Draw me out. Look me in the eye, and speak life to me. Like no other would or could.

A new life, healed. Restored. Renewed. Humbled. Indebted. Whole. Praising and thanking you all of my days. Sending me out. Fresh. Never to look back.

Glory of all glories! Instead of away from you...with you I go. None other than a warrior! No...never again a cripple. Not even "wounded", and NEVER taken out of service. Oh, I can stay there and lick my wounds forever if I choose to...want to, away from you, refusing you, your sweet words and fellowship.

I get up. Go out. New assignment. New risk! New venture. Trusting you. We go on. Together.

Bolder. Stronger. Enabled. Anointed with your healing and commissioning balm. No confidence in myself, in the flesh. I learn to walk. To fight.

The perfect romance.

So...When did I fall in love with you? Was it in the coffeeshop? Chris Rice asks.

No. Though I like to imagine it that way, too. For me?

Best I can remember, Lord Jesus...mostly in a pink girl's flowered bedroom with lime green carpet, white wicker bed and chair, and rickety plastic vanity that made me a princess. Candle light, door locked, and love poured out, tears flowing...you knowing me, and me knowing you. And in the tops of trees, singing. And walking a gravel road. On and on... I AM so in love with you still! Soon I'll tell you how and when. As I did my husband for Christmas this year in a journal.

In the meantime, give me today the glow of one in love with the Prince of all princes, Hero of all heroes, King of all Kings, and Ruler of all Kingdoms.

The smile of one captured, possessed, and embraced in the quiet.

The delight of a bright-eyed bride with a continual feast set before her.

My love...my one sure and true and constant reality! Forever.

How could I not be in love with You?

Boy Wonder's Home

Well, we decided to ask Boy Wonder to "walk the aisle"...not really for traditional or legalism...I weighed my heart heavily on this. More to present himself to the body and experience their love and support. To create as many "memorable" moments as possible where people heard him profess his faith. To teach him about the role of being a member of a local body of believers as well as professing his faith...how they can support him and they him. He wasn't so crazy about it. But, I cried. It was good for me to "see that moment". Him walking the road...his steps. Alone. Reaffirming and announcing his decision.

I didn't want him to confuse it with his salvation experience...already a done deal. And the minister was so awesome counseling him...tying up some loose ends we still needed to hit.

God, still so obviously aiding the building of a firm foundation for him...I am so happy.

So ironic. They usually do not give an "invitation" during Wednesday night Bible Study, but they did tonight, anticipating him. I wondered what hymn they would choose...my Mom wrote the one down in the front of my little blue Bible the day I was saved, "Wherever He Leads I'll Go"...that song significant in my conviction...significant as I've walked my life. I thought, if they pick a drone hymn, I'll be disappointed...but, his experience is not mine...he'll have his own memories and significant things I'm sure. (Repeat to self as needed).

They began to sing, "Jesus Loves Me".

Wow.

Not just a precious hymn and song, but one I sang to him the first time I ever held him alone, in a dark nursery, by himself. I'd requested that they allow him to sleep in a dark, isolated, quiet nursery rather than in the buzz of the well lit post delivery center where all the newborn babies were cared for. I could not take him out of the nursery for a whole week after the NICU. But, I got to hold him and rock him to sleep...finally. Pure and utter delight. My firstborn. Something I did not know I'd ever get to do before he died. Oh, how I longed to nurse him...call him my own, for keeps. Now, finally.

He was, as I've said before, very, very ill at birth, not breathing.

He was recessitated several times his first day...ventilated by hand as the machines were not sustatining his life. He was on blood pressors and thinners and antibiotics and who knows what all...there was no life support left that he did not have. And they said, "It usually gets worse before it gets better in these cases."

Later, they guessed that at some point in delivery, the cord was entangled around his neck. I suspect the night before they induced me, prior to my due date (unheard of) due to suspected large size...no one knows why he was so large. I was on bedrest for two months to try to hold him in the oven long enough.

Anyway...the night after we got him settled in the NICU and heard all this not so promising news, my husband opened his Bible randomly to Psalms. He said, "I'll have to read this to you later when we get a minute alone."

It was Psalm 18:

3 I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.

4 The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

5 The cords of the grave [b] coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.

6 In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.

7 The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because he was angry.

8 Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.

9 He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.

10 He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.

11 He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
the dark rain clouds of the sky.

12 Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.

13 The LORD thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded. [c]

14 He shot his arrows and scattered the enemies ,
great bolts of lightning and routed them.

15 The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, O LORD,
at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.

17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.

18 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the LORD was my support.

19 He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me...

49 Therefore I will praise you among the nations, O LORD;
I will sing praises to your name.

50 He gives his king great victories;
he shows unfailing kindness to his anointed,
to David and his descendants forever.
----------
To those who know more details, this was even more particularly profound to me. I wept and wept...knowing that God very much did swoop down and be sure someone saw him growing ill...someone not particulalry authorized to make the calls or be responsible for his life in particular...but, who remember their ultimate doctoral oath and responsiblity and took the time while everyone else ate leisurely bacon, eggs and ham. He cared. He saw. He ordered immediate extra lines and support to be near...and it was needed, within the hour. He crashed before Daddy could drink his morning OJ and be back. On return, they would not even let him in the door it was so bad to see.

So, I sat in the nursery, remembering a new verse to the song I had not sang or remembered since I was a child...we only sang verses 1 and 4 nowadays with hymns, but as I remembered it, it fit, and I knew it must be sung by me to him there in the dark. I always thought of old people when I heard it before that point, not babies.

Jesus loves me, loves me still, though I'm very weak and ill
He will love me 'til I die
Take me to His home on high

Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
The Bible tells me so.

In singing that through choked tears every time...by faith, I affirmed over and over all week, though it was a very hard road...God loved that boy more than I did, or ever could, and if it came to it, He had a home for him...waiting. He had been rescued. And I knew it.

And now...I know that Wonder Boy has claimed that home for good! It cannot be taken from him. What pure joy! He has always been friends with God, always praying since he could utter a word. And now, his is forgiven, free, and saved. He is truly God's...lifelong...rain or shine. Healthy! Robust! Weighing more than I do, nearly looking me square in the eyes.

"Because the Lord delighted in him".

Just as I knew his wiggles and hiccups long before he was ever born into the world and I delighted in him.

Risky Business

PRAY? NOW?

Well. Today will be an odd post from "me". If you "get it", fine. If you don't...chaulk it up to consideration. Not sure that I'm comfortable with it myself. So, there you go. Buckle up and ride with me if you dare.

The only thing on my mind today is prayer language...so, that's what where I'm going. If you are already freaking out...well, that's what I used to do. If you think I'm a weirdo...well, that should be established by this point anyway.

Here's my main point before you bail: when you are too busy, distracted, tied up, and running to "pray" with words...to involve energy for the right emotion, too mentally wound up, or on the run to "pray"...I highly encourage a prayer language.

I recommend doing it quietly where others cannot hear you. I recommend doing it with whatever emotion you have at the moment, not worrying too much about emotion or what it does or does not mean.

I recommend trying it, not caring if it "translates" to a real language or not, knowing God understands the deep recesses of us...thoughts we cannot always articulate, knowing the Holy Spirit intercedes perfectly for us, as long as we are praying with a selfless heart (scriptural principle).

Sometimes it just helps to have words and thoughts and emotions and plans-- out of the way of our prayers complelty--for we may be doing the right things already. Still...to take a few stolen moments to "commune", to be with him, to let him know we are not too busy for Him. Even if we don't have time to "talk", to remind Him, and ourselves, that we are about attentiveness and the building of His kingdom...in whatever We, or He is doing that day.

I compare it to the language we use with babies. Not an understandable language, a babble, but a respected one...for the purpose of communing. There is respected communication going on that just enjoys the presence of the other with a sense of lightheartedness to it usually. And our prayers can be that way at times.

Don't worry, if you always pray in this fashion, it will annoy you, and you'd stop. You know when it's time for words...don't force it. Don't overanalyze it, or it loses it's purpose. Let Him enjoy your (if the case may be...silly attempt at just saying, "Hi, Lord...I'm here, loving you, in whatever I do. Right or wrong...go with me, be with me. I want your kingdom to be strengthened today."

I guess this is on my mind because I found that in the month of December, when I didn't have time to pray in a journal, or with a lot of well thought our words or plans, I'd just pray as I drove or worked--whatever came out of my mouth. Sometimes, I just had no time for thoughts or words. Too busy? You may say? Well, I felt like I was doing what He made me to be doing for that season, "too busy" or not. Sometimes, it's about pursuing balance. Sometimes, it's hanging on for dear life and trying to remember that when we live in the center of His purpose for us, He is pleased, and whatever pleases Him, is worship. Sometimes, my running and lack of "balance" is worship to Him. For I agree to it. Whatever He has asked for that day of my life.

So, run in that sense long enough, and you may miss that sense of regular "connection" you had with Him in the seasons of balance and discipline . Sometimes in that time, I just want to bless him, just let Him know, and perhaps remind myself, that I am still "with Him" in my heart of hearts. Acknowledging his presence and purposes, desiring the ushering in of His kingdom, with whatever concerns HIM that day. There may be something in another country on the other side of the world that those prayers impact...things beyond my comprehension or knowledge, but I feel, at times, those prayers hit that need for kingdom impact that day. And, in the midst of "too busy with the mundane to even think"...there comes a great sense of focus in it.

Even in my month of rest and celebration and laxity in normal disciplines in December...my firstborn son would come under conviction and be saved 1/1/2006. How glad I am to know I was still "praying"in the midst of all the holiday festivities and preparations now!. Oh! Not that I am to credit, it is "God who draws"man to Himself for salvation...but, still, He hears our prayers and responds also.

Sometimes even with no words or deliberate thoughts, a name or impression of a person will come to mind. I'll stop praying that way and shift to deliberate and thoughtful prayer, if just to mention their name. I may pray in the same unknown words for whatever they need if I have no direction and feel a peace thereafter. Usually not worrying, not pressing in, just free to ask God anything, and knowing He hears.

If you start wondering if He's really glorified by gibberish sounding words, I've found that it just helps to stop and say His name, "Jesus", or "Jesus, I love you. Be Lord in all things. Forgive me if this is nuts, and I know you do." At that time, all questions and fears leave, and I am free to enjoy my time with Him again. It is for His glorification, not ours. So what we "do" isn't really as important as the focus on communion with Him, at whatever level we are able to offer it that day. The Scriptures tell us to pray at all times with all types of prayers and spiritual songs. I don't know about you, but some days, I have to get more creative to go about doing that.

Other days, I've prayed about some particular need or concern for too long and am beginning to worry just by continuing to pray about it, but I still sense the need to keep praying, so I use a prayer language and it helps me release and still "enter it into Him" somehow. (Okay, so that sounds odd, but I can think of no other way to say it.)

One occassion several years ago, I had a season of prayer once when I felt God told me: "No words...not from me. Not from you." So, for about a month I had no peace about any "words" at all. Man! Talk about weird. I've prayed nearly every day of my life I can remember. Hearing from...being heard as I was used to communicating. I am still not entirely sure of the purpose, though I can guess in many directions. But, as a whole, I just was to experience life and His presence, rest, know, be. So weird. I hated it.

Toward the end of that month, I decided to seek input to try to make sure I was on track and not missing something... a teacher encouaraged me to experience the comfort of praying in a word-less tongue, a "prayer language". I did not know this concept Biblically, and was very leery of it. But, I got desperate. I missed sound...in my spirit. Communication of any type...out loud.
I did not feel comfortable doing it for a while, but tried it from time to time. It was a comfort to utter anything and just release it to Him. I felt a peace in trying. Perhaps just His mercy in watching me squirm! Who knows. But, I draw from that now.

I draw a correlation to an injured person laying in a hospital bed, unable to speak, but glad to just be able to use blink signals with the eyes, or to communicate 'yes' and 'no' by squeezing a hand.

Sometimes, it is similar spiritual conditions that may usher the need for a prayer language.

Well, I'm no authority. But, there's my challenging direction of thought for today for you to "play with". May be for you. May not. May help you understand or guide someone else in some way, or give you insight I know I needed as to why people do it at all. But, there it is, for what it's worth, if anything at all. No indicator of any deeper spiritual experience than anyone else. No indicator of a greater presence of the Holy Spirit than usual necessarily. Just...prayer. Needful. No matter how busy or wound up or relaxed we are...sometimes, we just long for Him...and for me, it's one way to drop in and say "Hi."

Let me know if you have thoughts here: here

Hope it helps someone.

Me

Site Notes

1. Our mystery trip is now revealed; I'm leaving "Resolutions" on top. Scroll down to catch up on that big news there.

2. Fixed my blog sidebar today. Thanks esm. (Note to bloggers: if you use a "paragraph divider" in your text that looks like this: "~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~" , for some reason, that text entry does not "scroll" to the next line, messing up your blog margins if you let it go beyond normal margines. Shorten it and your sidebar re-appears. Figured that out myself, thank you very much. No charge. Free info to make your life sing.

3. Another factoid that took me four hours, a headache, and a phonecall to get.

If you want to use "LightScribe" to burn CD covers, while "LightScribe" may be stickered all over your computer, and the web link may take you to "LightScribe"...you can only OPEN the software to run under SonicExpress Labeler (note lack of words "LightScribe" anywhere. Geez.) A search for LightScribe not useful, nor is HPs website, nor LightScribe's website. Thanks R.C. Friends...now THOSE come in handy.

4. Finally, and most importantly, NEWSFLASH: Son called to share with pastor this AM...the next baptism was scheduled for THIS SUNDAY! He'll give his profession from the baptistry pool...how cool is THAT?

He'll be baptized by his Dad (an ordained deacon) and will take his first communion... which also happens to be schedule for this Sunday. He's elated about that.

Both my brothers will miraculously be in, and I think Grandma is going to try to come out for the first time since her accident. A ShaBang day!!!! My Dad said he will try to come...that would be really awesome.

Me

Resolution of All Resolutions

I don't know that I can do justice to this blog entry. But, it is to supercede all other information in my brain today.

My oldest son woke us at our hotel shortly after midnight last night, New Year's to tell us he had something important to say. I had a feeling, and began to rouse my husband, sleeping soundly already beside me.

The lights from the fireplace flickering on the ceiling up above, he began to tell me that said at my Mom's at midnight, they were having a circle sharing time of Thanksgiving, the children shared first. He shared a first time, then listened to all others share how Christ had worked in their life, and how important Christ was to them...their salvation was what they were most thankful for.

By the end, he said he really felt God tugging "like really hard" at his heart, and he really knew "it was time".

He said he just knew he needed to share again, saying, "I really need to say something. I've been thinking about it for a long time and I really feel God tugging really hard at my heart. I'm ready to give my heart to Jesus and be a Christian. I want to give my life to Him and let him be in charge." Oh! Son! With me gone! Oh! I missed it! But...he's calling me now and we're talking it through...don't freak out, self! Don't melt down. Stay focused...speaker phone, speaker phone...

"Oh, son...that's so neat. I'm sure you have many questions. We can talk about those when we get home. I think you are right, it is now time. Can you share that again for your Daddy to hear? "
He's been asking questions for about a year, but it not really holding his interest. Now, he has lots of questions. And, a few minutes later, his mood changed, doubts were already arising with tears and shaking voice.

"But, what if it was just me, and not him tugging...after all, it was just me thinking about it. Maybe it wasn't Him at all. Maybe I might pray now. and it not be "it". What if I have to do it again...would I have to be re-baptized? What if He wasn't 'tugging'? Maybe I AM just STARTING to think about it, like you said before. Maybe I'm just 'starting' to think about it."

We've seen him squirm in the pew for months from time to time, knowing it might be the day...no, now it's time. Somehow it was BECAUSE of all these doubts and questions and concerns that we knew it WAS finally time. The burden. Guilt. Confiction. Uncertainty.

Take point home to self: how many times I thought I was ready for something when God was waiting for my doubt? My humility?

Cell phone battery dies at this moment. Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!!! Thank God for 1-800 lines grandmas keep for emergencies, and a husband who could remember the number when she rattled it off.

We got him to some point of peace, then tonight FINALLY got an opporunity to talk to him again about it after other siblings had been put to bed. He still have so many questions, concerns, doubt, confusion. He told me thought maybe he'd dreamt it all since no one had brought it up today. Maybe it wasn't God at all? Maybe it didn't happen. Maybe it was just a dream.

Some dream!

He said his knees and legs were shaking the whole time he was sharing with the group...and as he shared on the phone with us. Yet, he sounded so brave and independent and sure at first. I'm so proud of him. Come to find out, he did pray himself about his sin guilt he felt, handing that over to God now, accepting that Christ dies for his sin on the cross and believing He rose again. He knows now that he can never be "good enough" in and of himself to earn his own salvation, nd that now that he has the truth and understands it, he is responsible for it.

It's most definately "time"!

I've talked to many children about salvation and Christ. Now my own son. Come to think of it, it may have been a good thing we weren't there last night. Once he told me last night, I started crying and couldn't stop thinking and praying and crying until 3AM. Today, much more composed.

Tonight, as his questions were answered, the peace came...giddy laughter, celebration, smiles, relief! He said "Good night, sister in Christ!" giving me a kiss. He prayed, thanking God for "finally getting saved" (at the ripe old age of 9).

And even though I didn't get to be there, I know God put people around him who would be blessed. This is cool: one of my oldest aunts and her husband could never have children, but have always loved and supported me growing up. In their mid 70s now, they wept at his profession. My other aunt who was present has two children...one away for the holidays in the military, the other died two years ago with aggressive Lupis--a young Mom with a baby less than a year old. Both so blessed and touched with a special moment for their holidays they will never forget. And, all of them respected our need to talk with him first, yet congratulating him modestly, but from the heart. My sweet uncle weeping, sobbing, with shoulders heaving Mom said.

Tomorrow, he'll get to tell his friends who are already saved. He can hardly wait.

I stayed up last night to write him a letter in the hotel room with all the details he had told me for him to keep. I'll put it in his book of letters from me

So, there's one heck of a "new year's resolution". Not a bad start. He said with it being New Year's and resolutions and all, he thought it would just be a really good time to do it, with God tugging at his heart then and all. I'll say he was right.

Thank you, God, for "tugging real hard".

Your Daughter

Harmony

Beautiful Grounds.

New Harmony, IN was our secret destination. A room with a fireplace we left on all night. Was wonderful. Great time to do nothing but eat in peace and rest. Wood floors in our room, very shaker-ish in style. (I tasted champagne...thought it smelled and tasted like fruit flavored isopropyl alcohol also. After holding out til late in life, I find I haven't missed much. Perhaps you have to drink more than I am to ever enjoy it, I don't know. Not sure if I could stand that much of it. I guess that's why you sip.)

We had some friends who'd been there a couple years ago for New Year's and wanted to go back for some serenity and couple time. A low key and restful celebration...wonderful tomato bisque, pepper crackers and real butter, and spinach salad with raspberry vinaigrette. Mmmmm. Hubbie had prime rib.

Okay, so I did wear black to get hubbie to wear a tie...and doesn't he look great in a tie? So finished. I found a greyish floor length angora sweater in my closet to keep me warm and knock some black off the whole thing. Anyway, after all the time spent packing our bags and hiding everything, I stuck my overnight bag away on the back porch and forgot it! Fortunately, my friend would not be away without her makeup bag and curling iron. It somehow relaxed me to not have all the girly fuss in my room.

We TOOK IT EASY...walked around a shop or two, bought some Christmas ornaments on sale, did the New Age mazes (just to say we had) laughed and joked about their key to inner peace the entire time. Apparently, the Harmoniasts made a couple attempts at communal living at New Harmony and failed--now they do commercialism and arts. As is typical, the beautiful and the very strange art. They'd have an obvious depiction of Christ, but would not say that on the plaquard to respect universalism...they'd call it "The Tribute to the Irish People" or something. We did find plaques of The Ten Commandments imbedded in the guest welcome center (Eck...mmm "Thou shalt have no other gods before me.")

Iron arts, pottery, dried flowers, soaps. Fun to look around. Wish I had a pic of the weirdest statue, but I was too astounded. A guy's head growing out of his check with war torn body parts. We're all still working on the interpretation.

What stayed with me most was a poem from an old lady on a plackard in a garden. She described her heavy old bosoms hanging low, her well mapped face, round middle section, thick legs...and what seemed to be the happiest time of her life...watching her grandchild slide up and down her legs, seeing her husband discuss how electricity works with the meter man, wanting to kiss him for the genial interchange he offered his friend.

That's how I want my life to be...content to grow old and just be who I am, proud of my family, my man, my grandkids...happy, whatever that may look like. Happy in Christ...for HE IS THE "CENTER"...the point of all "harmony".

Me